4 You Say Tomahto and I Say You’re Dead

  An Olive Branch Mystery

  Episode #4

  You Say Tomahto, and I Say You're Dead

  by

  Gale Borger

  You Say Tomahto, and I Say You're Dead

  Olive Branch Mystery #4

  An Echelon Electric Short eBook

  First Echelon Press Publication / February 2012

  All rights Reserved.

  Copyright © 2012 by Gale Borger

  Cover Art © Karen L. Syed

  Echelon Press

  2721 Village Pine Terrace

  Orlando, FL 32833

  www.echelonpress.com

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information address Echelon Press LLC.

  eBook 978-159080-830-6

  Published by Echelon Press LLC.

  Chapter 1

  "You can do this, girl, so quit farting around, and walk through those doors."

  Spaz looked at the door in front of her. She eyeballed the slowly turning panes of glass and shivered. "Why do hospitals always have those stupid doors that keep going around in circles? Am I the only person on the face of the earth they creep out?"

  "'Scuze me." Someone shoved her out of the way and hopped into the half-moon space. They slowly circled around. Spaz watched as they calmly walked out the other side and zipped down the hall.

  "Spaz, you moron, look how easy it is. What's the matter with you?"

  A little kid squealed like a stuck pig and Spaz jumped. The little sucker skipped past her. He waited for the rotating door to come around. When an opening appeared, he squealed again and hopped into the half-moon space. "Come on in, lady! It's fun!"

  An elderly man pushed a wheelchair through the opening. He stepped to the center and the door stopped. The lady in the chair smiled up at Spaz. "Come on child, we'll wait for you."

  "Uh, no thanks, you go on. Maybe next time." She took a shaky breath. The old man stepped away from the center. Once again the door began its slow circle.

  A gentle touch on her elbow made Spaz spaz. She whipped her head around and a woman smiled at her. "I hate those doors too. I use the side door over there." She pointed to a normal looking door off to the right. "Come on, I'll walk with you."

  "Thanks." Spaz looked at the woman and sucked in a breath. The woman stopped and stared. "Are you all right?"

  "Yeah, I am. I just noticed you're really very beautiful."

  The woman laughed. "Is that all? Why thank you very much. So are you."

  "Yuh. Right. Uh, thanks, I gotta go now." Spaz pulled her arm away from the woman. She yanked on the handle and walked through the door. She headed for the information desk and watched the woman wave to her as she went toward the elevators.

  "Wow."

  "I beg your pardon. May I help you?"

  Spaz looked up and asked. "I need to find a friend of mine."

  "Name please?"

  "Name?" Spaz swallowed hard. What the heck is Bean's real name? It's kind of hokey and well, Irish. "Uh, well we call him Bean."

  "Bean? Is that a first or a last name?"

  "Uh, both I think."

  The woman looked mean. "Young lady, I really don't have time—"

  "Wait, he's a kid who got shot. He's uh, Irish. Real Irish. Green eyes, and uh, I guess he's not totally a troll."

  A girl about Spaz's age walked up behind the woman. She tapped her on the shoulder. "I think she means Ryan O'Sullivan in 349." She winked at Spaz. "He's awesome, isn't he? You his girlfriend? You're like, so lucky 'cuz Ryan is so totally hot!"

  The woman scowled at the girl. She clapped a hand over her mouth. She gave Spaz a "thumbs up" and slid out the door. The woman turned to Spaz. She sniffed her nose as if Spaz smelled like yesterday's fish sandwich. Face burning red, Spaz said, "Thanks a lot. Uh, I guess I'll go up and see Br-uh, Ry-uh, whoever now."

  She backed away from the desk. She hurried to the bank of elevators and punched the "up" button.

  Spaz leaned to her left. She could see the information desk from there. The woman was still glaring at her. Spaz ducked back around the wall and punched the elevator button again. "Hurry up."

  The door swooshed open and Spaz plowed in. Two nurses and an old guy stepped in behind her. Spaz reached for the third floor button and the man tapped her hand.

  "What?"

  He smiled at her. "My job. I'm trying to be polite." With a bow, he swept his hat from his head. "Where would you like to go, young lady?"

  Spaz glanced at the nurses. They giggled and nodded toward the old man. Spaz turned pink and tried to smile. "T-Third floor, p-please."

  The man punched the third floor button. "There you go Missy."

  He winked at the nurses and Spaz clutched her backpack to her chest. Dirty old coot. I've seen enough of his kind to make me puke. Can he tell I'm an h—

  "I hope you lovely ladies are having a nice day."

  The nurses giggled. Spaz wanted to melt into the floor. She mumbled to herself. "Dang, is everyone smokin' crack this morning or what?"

  The old man did not turn around. He hummed a tune and rocked on his heels. The elevator stopped on the second floor. He stepped off and turned toward the open elevator door. He took off his hat and bowed again. He was rising and stopped when his face got even with Spaz. "Never smoked no crack little girl, but me and the missus did go to Woodstock."

  "I—er—uh."

  The man smiled and his whole face crinkled. "You lovely ladies have yourselves a beautiful day now, ya hear?"

  Spaz sucked in a breath. The nurses burst out laughing, and the old man smiled and winked. The doors.

  Spaz let out a breath. "What the heck just happened?"

  One of the nurses dabbed her eyes with a hanky. "That was Mr. Hamm. Jake Hamm. He's going in for his final cancer treatment today. The doctors don't expect him to live until Christmas, so he makes the most of each day he has left."

  "Oh." The door opened on the third floor. Spaz stepped off the elevator. "Thank you."

  "Take care."

  "I will." Spaz thought about Jake Hamm only having months to live. He wasn't a creeper, just an old man spitting death in the eye. How could that geezer be so damn happy? Her eyes stung and she looked at the nurses. She raised her hand to the nurses. They smiled back. They twiddled their fingers and the door swooshed close.

  Spaz let out the breath she was holding. She rubbed the tears from her eyes. "Hoo-wee, weirder and weirder. I don't think I've talked to this many people in the last six months. Who am I all of a sudden, Prom Queen of the week?"

  Spaz stepped into the hall. She read the sign on the wall. The arrow pointed to the right. She headed toward Room 349. Spaz turned right again, made another right, and turned left. "I'll need Map Quest to find my way outta here." Halfway down the hall she finally found a sign saying "341-350" with an arrow pointing to the right. Spaz took a deep breath and zipped around the corner and bounced off a very large body.

  One of the biggest women she'd ever seen glared down at her from a height only a linebacker could brag about. "Oh! Excuse me, I didn't see you."

  The nurse laughed. "Didn't see me? Child you're either blind or dead!"

  "I—I didn't mean . . . never mind. I'm sorry."

  "Where you goin' in such an all-fire hurry?"

  "To visit someone. In 349. Ryan O'Sulliv—"

  "Oh sure, I know Ryan. Sweet boy."

  "Is he okay? I-I mean can he have visitors yet?"

  "Sure. He's got lots-o-friends. Specially girls. We had to limit the visits."

  Spaz look
ed at the floor. "Oh, well I guess I'll come back."

  "Wait, are you friend or family?"

  Spaz looked at the floor. "Friend, I guess."

  "You guess? Little girl, only family members and close friends are allowed in to see Mr. O'Sullivan at this time."

  Spaz looked the nurse right in the eye. "Then I guess he's my boyfriend."

  Chapter 2

  The nurse eyed her. "Boyfriend? You've got to be the sixth or seventh girl claiming to be his girlfriend. Let me see here, I have a list Ryan and his mother gave me."

  The nurse picked up a clipboard. Spaz fidgeted. She glanced behind her. She took a step back. The nurse ran her hand down a list of names. Spaz gripped her backpack. She shuffled her feet. She felt small. She felt like a liar and a cheat. She knew the nurse saw she was a ho and now she wouldn't get to see Bean. Her eyes burned with unshed tears. Tears again, Spaz? Is this some kind of rotten PMS thing or what? She was about to turn and run when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

  "Why yes, Evie is Ryan's girlfriend, is she not on your list, Nurse—uh . . " She squinted at her name badge. "Williams?"

  Spaz bit her lip and watched Ollie gently bully the nurse. She sniffed back the humiliating tears. She tried not to smile as the large nurse backed down from itty-bitty Ollie Boothe.

  The nurse shuffled backward through the list. "I have your name, Miz Boothe. Then I got names like Cash and Pone, Shroom and I—"

  Spaz threw her shoulders back. "I'm Spaz."

  Nurse Williams smiled. She lowered her half-glasses and smiled. "And Spaz."

  Ollie smiled and patted Spaz's arm. "There, you see dear? You are on the VIP list. Come, Evie, I'd bet our boy has been waiting for us." They slid past Nurse Williams and Ollie dragged Spaz into Bean's room.

  They stepped inside the door and stopped. Bean sat propped in the hospital bed. He wore no shirt and bandages criss-crossed both his shoulders and chest. On his head was a skullcap with tufts of purple hair standing on end. He happily sipped a Gatorade and watched Family Guy on the TV.

  Spaz smiled. Ya gotta love Bean. Whoa, what the heck did you just say, Spaz? She stepped back. Ollie thought she was scared because Bean looked like he'd been hit by a Mack truck. She grabbed Spaz's arm. Spaz pulled back and dropped her backpack. Bean heard the noise and Spaz knew she was stuck.

  He glanced their way and gave them a big smile. "Ollie! Spaz! You came to see me!"

  Spaz stood rooted to the floor. Bean looked so happy. Like a big dumb puppy. He was black and blue above and below his bandages. He also has abs to die for. What's up with that? Now who's the sick one? Ollie gave her a push. Spaz stumbled forward. "Uh, heh-heh. Hey, Beaner."

  "Hey, Spaz!"

  "You should hate me 'cuz I got you shot."

  "Hey, I jumped in front of you because you're my friend."

  "That was stupid."

  "Yeah, it was stupid. I didn't even think about it. It just happened."

  "Well, don't do it again. And what's up with your head?"

  Bean smiled and leaned toward Spaz. He bumped his arm on the table and saw stars.

  "Ow! Oh, damn. Ow, ow!"

  Spaz jumped toward the bed. She stood over Bean, flapping her hands. Bean panted and hissed through his teeth. He weakly waved a hand in the air. "Ss-okay, Spaz. Worth uh—the trouble." Bean used his good hand to shift a little in his bed. Step by slow step, Spaz saw the pain on his face lessen. A small smile touched his lips and he turned pink with embarrassment. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

  "I asked what's up with your head."

  He pointed to his fuzzy head. "Sorry about the wig. The nurses cut it off."

  "Cut it off?"

  He gently touched his head. "Uh, well, the wig you gave me kept sliding off my head. I tried everything to keep it on. So I was sitting at your desk and saw a bottle of Super Glue and I—"

  Spaz clapped both hands over her mouth. Her eyes popped wide open. "Oh my God, you dumbass!" She straightened and turned her head to the side. She tried her best not to smile. Closing her eyes, she struggled to keep a straight face. "Bean-o. Oh Bean-brained friend of mine, Please tell me you did not Super Glue that wig—"

  "I did." Bean smiled. He was embarrassed to the max. Even his ears turned pink.

  "Oh my God!" Spaz felt a giggle form in her belly. She tried to stop it, but it bubbled out. She opened her mouth and laughed—actually roared! She clung to Ollie and her knees buckled. Bean looked at her like she was flipping out. Ollie laughed along with her. Tears rolled down their faces. Spaz laughed like she'd never laughed in her life. She finally calmed down and wiped her face on her sleeve. Ollie dug in her purse for a tissue. She looked at Spaz and they howled again.

  The door burst open and Nurse Williams poked her head inside. "Everything okay in here? I heard the racket and . . . .Oh, you just got an eye-full of the boyfriend's new 'do?" She straightened and grinned. "Yup, I did the same thing first time I saw all that purple stuff stickin' up all over. Heard it from the ER nurses he was quite a hit down in surgery too. That hair jammed up the clippers and they had to cut it off. Took 'em a while to realize he wasn't some cross-dressing sweet dude who got hisself popped by some pissed off john. They said that hair started melting when the clippers got hot and it smelled like someone had set Barbie on fire."

  They laughed all over again. Nurse Williams checked Bean's vitals and left.

  Bean laid a hand on Spaz's, chuckling until he hurt himself again. "I know I look like a freak, but they can't un-glue me until I'm out of here, or my hair grows long enough to cut off the wig." He covered his eyes with his good hand. "I'm so screwed."

  Spaz gently pulled away. She patted his head and smiled. "You are way too weird, Beanie Boy. I don't know why I hang out with you."

  Bean batted his eyes. "Told you I'd grow on you."

  Spaz rolled her eyes. "Yeah, like mold." An idea popped into her mind. "Wait! I can help you with your hair problem." She dug around in her backpack until she found the purple beanie she'd made him wear when they'd first found Amy, dead in the alley.

  Bean's eyes lit up. "My beanie! You brought my purple beanie." He snatched the beanie out of her hand. He tried to put it on, but pain knifed through him. "Ahhh! Damn."

  "Slow down, Bean Pole. This is so not worth the pain." She took the beanie from him and gently pulled it over the chewed up wig. "There. Better than having your head look like you got run over by a random lawnmower from hell."

  Bean smiled. He picked up a small mirror. "Sweet."

  He put the mirror down. He laid a hand over Spaz's. "Thank you, my friend."

  Totally embarrassed, Spaz laid his hand on his belly and patted it. She blew out a breath and changed the subject. "Hey, ya got some nice abs there, Beanie boy. There's more to you than meets the eye, Ryan-O'Sullivan." Saying his real name still felt weird on her lips.

  "Thank you, Evie Danielson." Bean smiled as he watched her eyes grow big. He let her stew over her real name and turned to Ollie. "I'm sorry, glad you came, Ollie Uh, I missed group."

  Ollie's eyes crinkled. "Good to see you haven't lost your sense of humor."

  Spaz crossed her arms. "Hah! He only lost his marbles, the dumbass."

  A voice came from the dark side of the room. "Better his marbles than something important."

  A woman stood up from a chair across the room. Bean took Spaz's hand again. They watched as the woman quietly walked into the light. Spaz looked at her flaming red hair and green, green eyes. It was the woman from the lobby. The one who walked Spaz through the door! Oh my God. This must be Bean's mom. Spaz yanked her hand away from Bean. Bean sucked in a breath through his teeth.

  Chapter 3

  "Sorry." Spaz backed away from the bed. The woman smiled.

  Wow. Bean's mom was one of the most beautiful women she'd ever seen. She scooted behind Ollie, trying to look small.

  She heard the woman speak. Cripes. Even her voice is beautiful.

  "Ollie, how nice of you to come. I didn't want to butt in
on your laughter." Ollie moved aside. "And you must be Evie. We met down stairs. Ryan has told us about you."

  Spaz watched the woman take her hand. She looked into her smiling eyes. "Eh—uh, sorry I almost got your son killed. Sorry I called him a dumbass. And an imbie. Uh, I'll go now."

  Bean smiled. "She always does that."

  His mother looked at him. "Does what?"

  "Calls me a dumbass and then takes off."

  Maureen O'Sullivan took Spaz by the hand. "Don't go. It's great to know Ryan has friends like you."

  "N-Not like me, ma'am. I—I didn't mean to call him a dumbass, Really. I—"

  "Why not? I call him a dumbass pretty often these days."

  Spaz stopped pulling on her hand and stared wide-eyed at Bean's mom. "Mrs. O'Sullivan, don't you hate me for almost getting Bean uh, I mean Ryan killed?"

  "He's alive, he's a hero, and he will recover. Plus he has a pretty girl visiting on a lovely day. What more could I ask?"

  Bean rolled his eyes. "Geez, Mom."

  Spaz tugged on her hand again. "But you don't understand."

  "I think I do."

  "You don't want me hanging around your son, Ma'am."

  "Why would you say that?"

  Bean struggled to sit up. "Mom, don't go there. Spaz, just shut up, Mom won't care."

  Ollie put a hand on her shoulder. "Evie, no."

  Spaz gave up the struggle. Her eyes burned. She looked at the floor. "'Cuz . . . I'm a ho."

  "And I'm a chemist. Now does that clear the air? Calm down and come back in."

  Maureen again took Spaz's hand. She drew her farther into the room. Spaz looked dazed, but didn't fight. "You don't care I was a—"

  "Do I care Ollie is an ex-police officer, and a social worker, and a gardener, and what else is it you do, Ollie?"

  "Probation Agent."

  "Ah, yes, probation."

  "But I'm a skank."

  Bean held up a finger. "Uh, I'm a dumbass."